CREATING INTIMACY & CONNECTION
A lot of women that I work with and speak to struggle in their marriage.
In the beginning, we put our best foot forward and detach from our wants to try and manage the other’s perception of us out of fear of judgement and rejection.
But eventually, particularly after having kids, life gets real and hiding parts of yourself and your internal world becomes impossible. You end up feeling irritated, disconnected from your identity and unable to experience joy and connection in the relationship.
I certainly went through this in my relationship. My husband and I would start a conversation and it wouldn’t be long before one or both of us would become defensive, raise our voice and withdraw.
What I came to realize from my own coaching work is underneath defensiveness is a deep fear of feeling a negative emotion like rejection, shame or inadequacy you already feel subconsciously.
Here’s the thing: the ways that we need to grow and evolve are reflected to us through our intimate relationships. And growth comes with uncomfortable feelings.
There’s no avoiding it. Your partner will always say and do things that will trigger you to think and feel things that are difficult.
But the source of your pain isn’t what they say or do, it’s your own thoughts and what you make it mean about you. You think they are confirming all the negative things that you already think about yourself.
So, if your husband makes a comment about how you care for your kids and you get defensive, it’s because you interpret what he says as you’re a bad mother. And you feel inadequate because you already think you’re not doing a good job as a mother.
And guess what? You’re not doing a good job as a mother; you’re doing your best. You’re learning how to raise humans, so of course you’re stumbling and making mistakes along the way.
If you want to feel more love, you have to be willing to accept and love all of the parts of yourself that you’re not willing to and embrace all the uncomfortable feelings that go with it, knowing that they won’t kill you.
This is a complete game changer.
It means that you can show up fully and authentically in life and your relationship instead of hiding from yourself.
It’s from this place that you are able to create true intimacy and connection in your partnership. You’re able to share what’s going on in your internal life, positive and negative, because you no longer fear rejection or shame or inadequacy.
You get to just relate as two humans who are learning how to human and love with more awareness, imperfectly. And that is what we are longing for.
If you’d like some help with learning to fully accept yourself and process your negative feelings, and transform your life, join my 6 week group coaching program that starts in February: Program Details